The Chemical Prose Contest
During National Chemistry Week we issued a challenge: Create a passage in English in which the entire prose derives from a stringing together of the symbols for the chemical elements.
There were two categories: (1) Longest Passage, and (2) Most Creative. In each of these two categories we awarded a $100 prize to the winner. There were also several "honorable mentions".
GRAND PRIZE WINNER - Most Creative
Jakob Vanlammeren and Joe Kannel, Burlington:
From Grand View, MO Coroner’s Office
Care of C.S.I. Special Task Force, Baltimore, MD
Within this report is info concerning Arthur Clover’s passing. So far, our best logical conclusion is: The slain perished by a long vertical laceration of the renal artery by a large knife causing severe fatal hemorrhaging. Motive unknown. However, wounds show signs of the brutal intentions of the slayer as evinced by unnecessary use of force. For further assistance in this investigation contact:
Carl Akerson, M.D.
P.O. Box Eighteen
Grand View, MO
FOUR HONORABLE MENTIONS
The following four entries are runners up in the Most Creative category (no particular order). The first one is full of puns and double meanings, the second one is full of clever alliterations, the third misspells creatively on purpose, and the fourth is a self-reference on the inventor of the Periodic Table, Dmitri Mendeleev
Honorable Mention - Most Creative Pamela Von Baumbaugh, Swanton:
This polar bear, Isis, likes Pepsi.
So the other, Osiris, sips Coke.
Are the bears thus bi-polar?
Or, now, bi-colar?
Oh yes, this is a real joke.
Honorable Mention - Most Creative Melanie Brussat, Shelburne
A Circus in Vermont, in Verses
Circus lions with critical brains
fear the scary bears with thin reins.
Witless walruses mess up their cages
so bashful ibexes suppress beastly rages.
Hot, lovesick sea lions get a notion
that sensual pandas possess a magic potion.
Itchy hippos splash in water so nice
in lieu of shampoo for bunches of lice.
Slithery snakes prefer lives of action.
Often, one escapes, causing an uproarious reaction.
One hip tiger, finicky with fashion,
now shows off plaid, bares his real passion.
One ambitious goat can eat this entire circus.
So no more prose - oh, what a ruckus!
Honorable Mention - Most Creative, Buzz Kuhns, Monkton
He hopes ta rhym this neatli.
Plus - if he can concretly.
But if cheatin’s bard
boy, that’s so hard.
Best if he gave up dyscretly.
Honorable Mention - Most Creative, Shannon Woodcock, Barre
You cannot ever make the name of he who invented your
brainy chart, can you?
GRAND PRIZE WINNER - Longest Passage, Danny Bateman, Rutland
The saga started when Captain Crunch spotted Lachupacabra. By his use of hoodwink, he swiftly lunged towards the bushes before his presence was announced. Captain Crunch soon, in a spasmodic fashion, ran out of the bushes to crunchitise the Lachupacabra in a fantastic display of finesse the Lachupacabra flips out of the way of the crunch ray. Then the Lachupacabra
displays his sneaky ways by refractin’ the sun off his body. Then out of nowhere the B.K. King, after eatin’ a B.K. burger, arises from the bushes and tosses a B.K. burger at the shadow of the Lachupacabra. It smashes the Lachupacabra in the face. The Lachupacabra then spontaneous dies. Then there was much happiness. The B.K. King and Captain Crunch then move riskin’ their lives towards the sunset in a Chipmonk Stage Coach. But the hostility did not end there. Having approached the dark woods, the B.K. King and Captain Crunch took on a steady pace as the woods get darker and darker. As the B.K. King and Captain Crunch reach a washed out bridge, the woods slip into darkness. The woods are lit up by a set of red watching eyes. The red watching eyes get closer and closer. Then the creature dives towards the stage coach. The stage coach charged forward fast.
As the stage coach moves past the monster, the monster reaches out and scarfs down two chipmonks. The B.K. King and Captain Crunch run away. They came upon the sacred land of the sacred Koala cider where they did reside until Robin Hood did a dance. They’re okay; they passed away after livin’ at the sacred lands for nine days
ALL THE ENTRIES: (in the order they were recieved) are here:
1. I think Vermont is wonderful and beautiful in autumn, winter, spring and summer.
2. From Grand View, MO Coroner’s Office
Care of C.S.I. Special Task Force, Baltimore, MD
Within this report is info concerning Arthur Clover’s passing. So far, our best logical conclusion is: The slain perished by a long vertical laceration of the renal artery by a large knife causing severe fatal hemorrhaging. Motive unknown. However, wounds show signs of the brutal intentions of the slayer as evinced by unnecessary use of force. For further assistance in this investigation contact:
Carl Akerson, M.D.
P.O. Box Eighteen
Grand View, MO
3. America, the shore erodes when nobody watches in La.
4. "As far as the laws of math refer to reality, they are not certain, as far as they are certain, they do not relate to reality." - Albert Einstein
5. Those Punics of Carthage were cowed by Scipio at Zama to the south of Carthage.
6. Pax, everyone. No more pollution. No more war. Live so that others may also live, in harmony.
7. I know gnu ubication by olfaction which brings no satisfaction.
8. Hark, a tiny friar falsifies arcane psalms with hopes of pleasing eager popes.
9. I am a conundrum, baby, not a prosthesis.
10. Secular pretence was frugal in April.
11. Homotaxy, Bob, is all the rage up here in Canada.
12. Fragile, like spastics in lace on new bicycles.
13. Simone
Small and red, she has fragrance.
Taste the rose’s beauty; drink.
14. Clarify: Why is it hot in California’s Sierra Mountain and not in Alaska’s beach house properties?
15. I can catch seven lucky snakes.
16. I am no Coco, but I think that new muu-muu Nora bought in Honolulu last month screams, “Picasso that a cat scoffed, coughed up”.
17. This month can be a challenge
if you are ready and able,
and has an elemental end
if you play games at such a table
18. How much wood would a mammoth woodchuck chuck if a mammoth woodchuck could chuck wood?
19. I came, I saw, I conquered, because I am the fierce Caesar.
20. I like to agitate more than you think.
21. Know this: Peace on earth can be. Think of the “Au” rule! Also think of others before you.
22. As he ran back, Paco Fern tasted yon pie under nine small ice cubes. But lard’s ruin. How? Buy nonfat crust. (Most cages cause bipolar frenzy.)
23. This noise annoys everybody in study hall.
24. As you like, sir, there's no salt in the bagels.
25. Pat likes those small rats in her underwear.
26. What did you think with a Bush and a Dick in the White House?
27. Princess Pat lives in a ghoulish frat
with her blind bat and orange calico cat.
She has ruby slippers and one witch's hat
Pat mixes poison potions in a pink vat
With moths, lips of newt, and a cup of fat.
On a magic morn
when Pat was born
She struck her finger upon a thorn.
When she awoke scorn
Pat's mom got her candy corn.
28. "No more Coca Cola, Honey. I'm now on coffees!" she cries.
"Why?" he asks. "A libation is a libation is a libation."
"Kryptonite - as in carbs!" she replies.
"Oh. More Oreos?" He offers.
"No, More HoHos."
"There's more carbs in those HoHos over those Oreos," he snaps back.
"No, there's no more carbs in HoHos over Oreos," she responds.
"So, Oreo snacks promote acne."
"Those HoHos also promote acne, you know. Achoo!"
"Saluta, Babe. Tissues?"
"Oh. Ok. Yes."
"So . . . ," he hesitates. "Whose helicopter?"
"Uh," she pauses, "Where's this?"
"Out back," he presses.
"Um, no one I know," she lies. "More Oreos?"
"HoHos in action." He sponges Coca Cola up off the snack rack as she wags her finger at him to show him his position with her now, with her unknown helicopter crony back.
"Nicotine - now!" he cries, with no more replies.
Thus, her final input is, "I am off, in motion, Bali-bound by chopper."
29. Those bananas, placed by the stairs, inspire others dying at Calvary. The sicker reserve sacred but inspirational resting dates with those bananas. Because of these resting dates the sick gain hopes of living on. If ever you find you're near here, send for famous bananas. Because those bananas are so often asked for anyone can get them to you.
30. The saga started when Captain Crunch spotted Lachupacabra. By his use of hoodwink, he swiftly lunged towards the bushes before his presence was announced. Captain Crunch soon, in a spasmodic fashion, ran out of the bushes to crunchitise the Lachupacabra in a fantastic display of finese the Lachupacabra flips out of the way of the crunch ray. Then the Lachupacabra displays his sneaky ways by refractin’ the sun off his body. Then out of nowhere the B.K. King, after eatin’ a B.K. burger, arises from the bushes and tosses a B.K. burger at the shadow of the Lachupacabra. It smashes the Lachupacabra in the face. The Lachupacabra then spontaneous dies. Then there was much happiness. The B.K. King and Captain Crunch then move riskin’ their lives towards the sunset in a Chipmonk Stage Coach. But the hostility did not end there. Having approached the dark woods, the B.K. King and Captain Crunch took on a steady pace as the woods get darker and darker. As the B.K. King and Captain Crunch reach a washed out bridge, the woods slip into darkness. The woods are lit up by a set of red watching eyes. The red watching eyes get closer and closer. Then the creature dives towards the stage coach. The stage coach charged forward fast. As the stage coach moves past the monster, the monster reaches out and scarfs down two chipmonks. The B.K. King and Captain Crunch run away. They came upon the sacred land of the sacred Koala cider where they did reside until Robin Hood did a dance they’re okay. They passed away after livin’ at the sacred lands for nine days.
31. Hal, the slick insomniac, never counts fluffy lambs or ferocious rams.
32. His American helicopter was camouflaged by the range of mountains on which grew rhubarb ferns and yams.
33. Once, a few years back, I ran along a canal and noticed Captain Frank and Bob in a boat.
"Where are your fish?" I asked.
Overhead was blue sky and no white caps on the waves. A great day for a boat upon gentle seas. Sad eyes blinked at me.
"Who walked the plank?" I asked. (Okay, I am a brat.)
Frank spoke. "A large whale ate our bow."
"What? Are you sure?"
"Yes. Half of the bow vanished."
"Wow! You are not a liar!"
I was inspired. Frank and Bob needed assistance. I gathered wood washed up on the beach. With the wood and a saw, I fixed their boat. Now they are happy again.
34. You can live by pure reason but encourage genuine creativity.
35. She knows more than I.
36. Unplanned action can break your heart if you’re rash, because it causes pain in others.
37. I fear there’s a great scary monster underneath your fine bed. Yikes!
38. A Circus in Vermont, in Verses
Circus lions with critical brains
fear the scary bears with thin reins.
Witless walruses mess up their cages
so bashful ibexes suppress beastly rages.
Hot, lovesick sea lions get a notion
that sensual pandas possess a magic potion.
Itchy hippos splash in water so nice
in lieu of shampoo for bunches of lice.
Slithery snakes prefer lives of action.
Often, one escapes, causing an uproarious reaction.
One hip tiger, finicky with fashion,
now shows off plaid, bares his real passion.
One ambitious goat can eat this entire circus.
So no more prose - oh, what a ruckus!
39. I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.
40. I notice that political cronies with artificial careers can be inept hacks who ruin lives when put in charge of crucial civic bureaus. I find that public negativism can be thick when mock professionals who lack basic necessary foundations get in positions of power. When can it end?
41. Pick me, I'm a winner!
42. Vermont icon famous as researcher names gas “Champ”.
43. A calculated business plan takes realistic looks at cost and payback for each invested buck because landing a lucrative sum of cash is not easy! In fact, it is very hard - yes it is, if resisting any usage of one false periodycal unit in your entire posting and you cannot cheat! OK, but in one tiny place! C’mon! A lousy Y for an I! You’d be unkind by ruling against me using a “Y” in that instance! It is almost a perfect match, phoneticalli! Cripes!
44. I hire super corny baseball hosts as humor at any pool festival. Those baseball patron's games are so genius, all who hear of it, are cool in Dallas.
45. Never is one perfect at life, nor are they best at it.
46. Hey, I’m not a liar, I’m desperate. So I’m guessing a bunch of sicko perverted boys get a kick from typing a cheesy, pathetic line, hoping against hope social acceptance accrues. But if executed by unamusing dopes it has no prayer of being a funny shtick. Ok, I’m going after a three-score final round bonus: I find your flashy subaru unusual in that it has no horn (or brakes).
Oh, egad, but I’ve shot a month! There’s no recovery! That ACS has ruined yesternoon and burnt a scar on each page of this, my life!
47. I sing everywhere the songs of funerary titans, lisping lunatic verse born of the spare, surficial prosody in nascent hymns. What raffish voice is that, what tense thunder? Whose choralic cant interferes with narwhal songs in euphonic bestiaries? O, morbid yarns of festered yearning, scrambling death, of paper islands scarce taxed by obverse nonce! Watch neptunic skies, fear snares, be wary of henbane! Not everyone who listens knows the singer born on a runic hearth.
48. He hopes ta rhym this neatli.
Plus - if he can concretly.
But if cheatin’s bard
boy, that’s so hard.
Best if he gave up dyscretly.
49. The untaxed brain is not a plus in this instance!
50. Tearful I am that I can not abate in this.
51. Rescuing Donny Osmond
by Beatties: Amy, Stephen
The sales clerk rang Andy's beer up on a machine under the rack of porn movies.
"Get any ID you can show?"
"Yes," he winced, "Yes, I can."
Beer in bag, Andy moves out, easing damp pot in from the back.
A car cruises up, pauses.
"Get in," whispers Veronica. "We're rescuing Donny Osmond!"
"What? Where is he?"
"In prison. In Laos."
"Wow. How can we rescue such a guy? It is so far!"
"Yolanda rescues for a living, Andy."
"What's she cost, hon?"
"She accepts herb."
The scene: Boat cruises west, across Pacific water. Land ho!!
Nearing, Andy lifted Yolanda's knife. He counted back: Ten, nine..... At ‘one’, he’d be swift, cut a wire, plunge the ship to black.
Laos fires at the rescuers. A machete whooshed by. Whack!
Yolanda screams: "Beam him on, Veronica!"
Flash! Boing! Donny's on board. "Yes!"
FIN
52. News Updates:
Oxen Waste Potential Using Differential Calculus
Bipolar Bosses Notice Hopes, Fears
Politicos Cringe As Pres. Siphons Cash, Creates War
53. No bears can do what I do. When I was accosted by barfing anacondas, I ran by blind shady geckos, no fever up in these unibrows! But if I win a good new pair of socks, few can claim that I am stinky. When she dares us, pies do fry! We run faster now near the racy cooks, scared of pies in our faces. Now gear up for fall and rescue raccoons!
54. Baseball is nice but easy; hockey wins!
55. Hohumoes
"What's all icky on here?" asks Nina, brandishing a French hat violated by a greasy substance.
"Why, I'm not effective under these sticky substances," replies Hack, her bipolar faux emoticon.
"Cunning as ever, as usual. Reiterate why I bring a useful unit as you uncos?"
"Er, because the universe is, er, under attack by vicious Hohumoes, whose threats range from nothing execrative (such as Harriot Miers), to optional conspicuous variola."
"Oh ya. Lest I forget again, I scratch now."
"Kosher mock clam, Nina?"
"No, I wish for ham, t-bone, ram, tinamou, or another carniverous nastiness, honestly."
"Hohumoes, lady Nina?"
"Serene sibilance! That's what I thirst after, Hack, like so few snakes can canvas!"
56. Very hardy noisy sci fi soccer aliens at UVM sip fresh nonfat ice coffees with Spam snacks at Starbucks Café.
57. This polar bear, Isis, likes Pepsi.
So the other, Osiris, sips Coke.
Are the bears thus bi-polar?
Or, now, bi-colar?
Oh yes, this is real joke.
58. No more of this can I bear
There’s not an inch of spare
resistance here.
I find no cheer
altho’ I’m on a tear.
59. Halloween is fun, Halloween is late.
It is not easily known the candy we ate.
We all know Vermont loves Halloween.
Such an epoch near us:
No motive, really. No fuss
60. In a smoky corner of Moe’s Café sat Eugene, Eugene’s brother Randy, his other brother Saul, and his sister Bernice.
“Listen up you clowns, I’m tired of being everybody’s everything”, asserted Bernice flatly.
“From now on if I can’t count more on you half-assed bird brains for back-up on a heist I’m gonna get a new gang and kiss you boys goodby.”
No one spoke. Saul acted bored. Bernice frowned. Randy knocked his knees. Eugene farted.
“Bernice,” he protested, “you suck!”
Bernice reached for her hatchet and Eugene’s neck in one motion and smote him twice.
No one spoke. Saul rubbed his nose. Bernice wiped her axe. Randy hiccupped.
“I wonder who the undertaker is around here”, he gasped.
Unsheathing a big dagger, Bernice increased the unknown funeral owner’s business.
No one spoke. Saul upchucked. Bernice smirked.
“Can I buy you a cup of tea ma’m?, asked Saul in desperation.
“How kind you are sir”, Bernice sneered as she honed a machete.
No one speaks. Bernice, alone with her brothers in a smoky corner of Moe’s Café ponders a line from the Bible: “As ye sow, so shall ye reap.
“What of it,” Bernice thinks.
61. Oh beautiful for spacious skies.
62. I am as pink as my nose. I am in a farm. I can race. I shack often. I hate baths without mud. My skin is thick. I am a real ham! Who am I?
63. Luke, I am your niece, so that ceases you to dine with Nick.
64. One sunny day Kris practiced baseball in the sun.
65. Can police kill at ten o’clock if snipers shoot at us? I know that cops attack tiny boys wh steal bras.
66. You are so cool. I love you, Hanson.
67. Continue to give money to the South.
68. If there’s no lacrosse in heaven, I am not comin’.
69. I am a lacrosse player.
70. I am ready for snow. I play in snow as soon as snow falls. I play alone in snow at nine p.m. Because of snow I am so healthy.
71. Boys ran to play on a sunny day.
72. You cannot ever make the name of he who invented your brainy chart, can you?
73. All in the sky was on fire.
74. I wish this was fun.
75. False accusations get me upset.
76. Shaun is a baby.
77. Life sucks - then you laugh.
78. Hockey is the best game on earth.
79. Clowns can drive in tiny, funny cars!
80. Sit in the recliner, watch a little TV and be relaxed because you earned being a couch potato. So be happy and have a nice evening as you take a nap and think about a prince in a far away land.
81. A little less talk. A lot more action!
82. Hi, victory is mine!
83. Pirates beat puppies, Americans kick cats, cows run the underworld. Who are you?
84. Oh H! Oh He!
Place of honor each occupies,
over others each resides.
But in column here, more gases found,
here more Nobles running down.
At Nobles’ side still others are
S, P, B, C, also Br
A line sunders gases from the rest.
Here we see a metal fest.
It is metals till the end,
from gases, this Table’s tend.
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